I was so excited in my last blog but alas my dream of a Beetle is not to be realized yet. Hard as they tried, I compromised, and with the help of a great KIA dealership, am driving a cute little Rio, beige or champagne, depending on your color interpretations.
Anyway, it is great to drive a new car that I don't have to worry is going to break down anytime soon -- I have free road service for 5 years as well as an awesome 10,000 or 10 year guarantee program. When I drove that poor Buick in for the trade in, the radiator compromised over the flooboard -- it was time!!!
I hope to get that Mellow Yellow Convertible as a present when I complete my Masters -- is that selfish or what. Once I have full time income, the VW people will actually talk to me. That's okay, I can wait but it was a disappointment I must say.
This is a lesson in patience for me. It is okay to have to wait for what you really want. My credit is improving such that with a part time income I could prove to the lenders that I was a good risk, just not for the VW figure so I down graded to the KIA. It will do for now.
Right now am feeling pretty lonely -- I've boxed myself into a corner I guess. If you don't reach out, I guess you don't get support. Just had a very crappy short conversation w/my daughter -- the cost of her minutes is more important than talking I guess -- I feel like I just want to chuck everything and be on my own, by myself -- that is just my flight reaction I guess.
I've realized a lot lately in that I have to let my children run their own life -- they are not 5 years old anymore but I've gotten myself in a situation of parenting my grandchildren so I have to figure out how that is going to work plus my daughter can't afford to live on her own and doesn't hold the father of her babies to any type of consistent support so I worry that if I leave they will suffer -- double edged sword I guess.
Things will figure themselves out -- I just have to let go of my control I guess.
Well enough for now -- I should be doing homework but am avoiding that right now as well!
I know, I know, it has been a while!!! What a surprise LMAO!
It has been a busy day today. I finally got up the courage to go and check out the dream car I have always wanted. I know what you are saying. I'm a poor student trying to help raise my granddaughters, Beetle and Turtle, but what can I say, pretty soon I have to have something that runs good and I can rely on. The poor 93 Buick LeSabre is on its last legs I'm afraid.
My credit report has been increasing in value and with my part time job I feel I can swing it so I did it!!!!! Scared as I was I went to the Volkswagon dealer to see that car I've secretly been salivating over for many moons Imagine this in Mellow Yellow!!! I got to drive one today and it is so awesome!! I know I can make the payments and get this wonderful dream and I know the car will last me a lifetime!! Imagine this, the person who thought the car dealer wouldn't even talk to her, actually took my application and thinks he can get a loan for me! I've been afraid to apply for anything because of my bankruptcy in 2000 and the sales rep says he thinks he can do it. They love students! Imagine that! I'm so excited, it is going to be a hard wait till Tuesday but please pull for me!!! I've got the vision in my head and am even dreaming about it -- I want to be the wonderful woman in this car! It is so cool!
It does seem so selfish to spend so much money on something just for me but what the heck! I'm trying. That self fulling prophecy made me take the risk today! If I want something I have to go and get it!!!! I think that it is the right thing for me to do. I can get something I love and that will probably last me my lifetime! I don't care if I have to pay on it forever, I want this and I'm putting it out into the Universe and asking all my pals to pull for me!
It is hard to believe that the last blog was June 11th. Boy, I sure stay away from blogging. I always feel so refreshed after I write too, you'd think I'd keep up more.
Anyway, it's been a busy month even though I'm not in school. I'm watching my two granddaughters (Beetle and Turtle) along with my 7-year-old surrogate grandson, I'll call him Bubby. He adopted me at around 9 months of age :)! Go figure, yep, I'm a kid magnet. Anyway, Bubby gets to stay for a month if he can hang out that long. He's really missing mom! He's taking Karate with Beetle so that's keeping him here more than I am I think :). We joined the Cincinnati Zoo for the year and went last weekend. We had a blast for about 8 hours we hung out together. The baby was so good, she just sat in her stroller all day and looked cute for everyone!
We are going again on Saturday as well. I suppose we could go every week and find something new each time. A good investment that I hope we will continue over the years for the girls!
I'm really not looking forward to working next month. I took a temp job at my daughter's company to help her out but I don't really want to do it. I hate leaving the girls for 10 hours a day and after the daycare expense, I'll make a whopping $100 a week, hardly worth the time and energy it will take but since my daughter's assistant is on vacation in her home country of Germany for a month, I know my daughter will need the help. I'll still have a few weeks before school starts in September so I'll have a bit of time to get my books and things together for the fall quarter. I'm having to go five days a week so I can work in the Biology class and hopefully I'll still be able to finish by Spring Quarter and I'll have my associates then off to the Bachelor program :)!
Well, enough for now, more later, hopefully sooner than later LOL!
Hi again, Hard to believe it is almost the middle of June and I've not blogged for another month -- again !!
Things have been going good. Healthwise they have ruled out everything they are looking for and can't find why I'm so short of breath and lethargic and in joint pain much of the time. It is a relief that the rheumatologist ruled out any lupus or arthritis. It's back to the doctor again for the next step. Since the cardiologist suggested a sleep apnea study, I think that is my next test. If this is it, then I'll sleep with a contraption on my face but if it helps, I guess I'll just have to put up with it.
I went to LSS today for an IPI (Inter personal Intensive) graduation. There were 18 of the most wonderful people graduating today. It was wonderful to see all the growth in the room. I love all that great energy. I met a couple of friends from Basic and my own IPI group leader but other than that, most everyone was new to me. Guess that is what I get for not being involved.
My Beetle (4 1/2 year old granddaughter) is laying in my bed watching Dora right now. She says she'll sleep in her own bed when she's five but I have my doubts, plus I love the company though it does get a bit crowded when the dog joins in :)
It is hard to believe she'll start kindergarten in the fall and I'll be a sophomore in college this fall as well. I think I've made the Dean's list again, but I'm waiting on one final grade. I'm really enjoying this journey.
The downsides are the conflicts with my daughter and my body is slowing down, for whatever reason. I've got to conquer these but now I've no reason not to exercise so I'm committed to the eliptical at least twice a week (by myself!!) and swimming with granddaughters whenever weather permits. It is really great having a pool in our complex and they keep it very nice.
I'm feeling very contented today with an underlay at frustration with myself for my inability to accept my daughter's flaws -- "I love you, I trust you, even though I don't understand you" is the hardest to apply to her and to myself. I'm going to keep trying.
Wow! Hard to believe it is May already. Having a down time right now, I know, what's new. Anyway, I was taking a bath and listing to my IPI tunes, Chrysalis knows the ones, and my song, You are So Beautiful, made me really wonder. I can remember that day so clearly, all those people looking at and seeing my beauty and I STILL can't see it. I know this holds me back. Why can't I accept myself and see the beauty and wonder of myself? All the work I have done and I still haven't reached that total acceptance. If I could reach it, then maybe I would do more to help myself and be a healthy person. Maybe I need to help myself be healthy and then I'll find acceptance. Kind of like the chicken and the egg. I'm drowning in the fear and wonder of it all.
Today was a busy day and I'm exhausted. Actually it doesn't take much to get me tired these days.
Went to the eye doctor and hopefully in another month my eyes will be 100%. Hopefully this eye inflammation is a one time thing but because it was in both eyes it could be systemic and with all my other problems and the positive ANA, it might not be the end of things.
Anyway, started the day with granddaughters then took Beetle to her 3rd Karate lesson. She loves it. She's like a pitbull in the sparring. The Sensai says she's awesome.
After Karate, it was a trip to eye doctor and tomorrow it will be xrays and more blood work. At some point, I have a rheumatologist (sp?) visit in my future as well as the stress test I've been putting off is on May 2nd.
Things with daughter are a bit strained. I'm very frustrated that she doesn't have enough respect for me to let me know when she's going to be 3 hours late. She's so insensitive and I'm frankly tired of her CRAP!
Well, I've really got to get down to some reading, two chapters on Utilitarianism for Philosophy and 66 pages for Sociology -- yes I've been procrastinating but what else is new.
I tell you it has been an exhausting day! I made it through classes trying to ignore the voice in my head then 3 hours working at the Dental Clinic (Work Study Grant, extra money) where I did vent inappropriately to the poor woman who I'm just getting to know. She was very understanding. Then the 40 minute drive home, oh, the gas.....my brain wouldn't stop. Home by myself, very rare. I actually did some math homework to stop the brain functioning then the realization hit....it was nagging all day....
I've got to let go of my judgments and control of my daughter and her life. It is so hard and scary to admit this but I want her to do things the way I think is right. It is doubly hard living together when things are this way. I even see her doing the same with me. Boy oh boy do the words fly sometimes. Anyway, I'm reflecting for a couple of days with this realization and then I want to talk with her about it.
Oh, by the way, they confirmed my application and I'm officially on the waiting list for an apartment at school in the fall but no way of knowing if one will be available -- we'll just wait and see and then I'll make my HUGE decision.
Hey there blog! I know, long time no blog. Things are finally letting loose a little in my heart so maybe I can post a little today.
I'm getting ready to take my Beetle (granddaughter who's 4) to Karate -- it is her second lesson and she loves it. A little shy at first but now she's gangbusters. It is hard to believe she'll be in kindergarten this fall. It's going so fast.
My newest Turtle, who is already 4 months old, is a happy wonderful granddaughter. I am really blessed that I can be in her life so much. I'll try and post the Easter pictures once we get them. The girls are so beautiful and happy!
I am into two weeks of school this quarter. I am still frustrated and sad that I had to drop out last quarter. But with an eye inflammation and being legally blind for a few weeks not to mention my back going out, just made it impossible to attend class and do my reading. But I am back on track. In fact, I'm going to the doctor's this week to schedule more follow-up tests. I have some type of low level auto immune disorder that we still have to figure out as well as a stress test to rule out any problems because of my shortness of breath and lethargy. Oh, by the way, I have anemia too! I'm just a mess LOL! The cardiologist thinks I might have sleep apnea which could account for the shortness of breath. He doesn't really think I have any problems other than a very strong heart muscle that fluttlers sometimes when it pumps -- hence the stress test to make sure!
Emotionally I'm pretty much a wreck these days. I'm tired of feeling crappy. I'm tired of living with a daughter who cannot decide from one minute to the next what she's up to. One day she wants me to handle all the grandkids totally and the next she's mad because I do. She has her own stuff too I know. It is just so tiring and I'm drinking too much in the evenings just to cope. I know I do this with alcohol on occasion but I really need to focus on myself and let the rest happen so that is what I'm doing this week. I'm going to get the rest of these tests done and keep taking care of myself.
Part of me wants to avoid my health issues but I know I can't really keep doing this as it will only get worse so I'm hoping I can face this and deal with it responsibly.
I'm also considering living on campus in the fall. I don't want to lose my contact with the girls and my daughter so I'd like to pick Turtle up from daycare and meet Beetle when she gets off the bus and watch them till Mommy gets home. I'm listing the pros and cons because that is a lot of driving back and forth but it would give privacy to both me and my daughter. We'll see what happens, there may not even be any apartments available since I don't want to do dorm living.and they have apartment housing for families and other non-traditional and graduate students!
Even though it seems exciting to live at school, I'm very scared of it. It is like stepping off a precipice and I don't know where I'll land. Money would be very scary as I know I cannot handle full time school with a job at this point but I might just be able to make it. We'll see what happens, I'm going to keep reflecting and not make a final decision until I see if I will even get an apartment. I need to quit losing sleep over worry about things that haven't happened yet. I'm my own worst enemy.
Well, I've gotta go for now. Have a Karate uniform to get together. See ya next time.
Yep, I'm really glad I have a Chrysalis who stops by and looks for me. He reminds me that I've been hibernating.
Very busy these days. Working 30+ hours per week helping my daughter's company out of a pinch. I hope to go down to 10 to 14 hours here pretty soon. It's pretty hard to work that much, watch a preschooler and a newborn, plus 4 college classes.
College is taking another twist, I'm in the Honors Program. Yep, I made it. I know have to do at least one contract per quarter for one of my classes. Sort of like a one-on-one assignment with a professor. So I've added another assignment to my already packed schedule. Imagine that, me taking on more than I can handle LOL
Anyway, things are going pretty well, I'm too stressed but I'm aware of it and that is half the battle. Other than school, work and the kids I'm pretty much isolated. It has been so long since I've done anything with friends and I'm not sure I still have any. My only outlet has been to blog occasionally or forward some cutsey emails. Other things on my mind.
Wait, I totally forgot. I did get together with my friend SS, one of my IPI buddies, but it wasn't really getting together since we had my daughter and both granddaughters with us. We had a nice meal though and we left the house unscathed for SS. Her house is definately not kid friendly :)
Anyway, my point is that I'd like to do something fun I guess. Just hang out and do whatever with a good friend but alas no time. Once my daughter gets home from work I have homework to do plus some work I brought home. It is nice to have the extra money though so I'll work the extra hours till they are no more.
Well, gotta go for now, kids are a callin! Have a great day, Blog Land !!!!
