Yes, it is about time! For whatever reason, I seem to put off doing the inevitable!! Yes, I love to share myself but I wait and wait and wait!!! I am of course on the brink of yet, ANOTHER MOVE! I'm going Nomad this summer, which means I'm going to sleep where the I find the bed to take me. For June I am safe since I am house and pet sitting for some friends who are going home to Germany about three weeks. Then I might find refuge with my friend, the other Sandy, whom Dysnomia knows quite well! Boy, would she love to see you!!! What a trip that would be down IPI LSS lane, can you imagine that it has been 5 years since the big trip we made Dysnomia.
Anyway, I am certainly looking forward to doing my undergraduate research this summer and hanging out finding out the person who I am. Once again, I will move again in September as I have found a house that will be housing myself and 9 other students! I am finally going to head out on my own into this wonderful life where I am not sure where I am heading but I am going to enjoy every minute of it!
A master's awareness of spiritual laws, Sandy, directs him or her to manifest major life changes by working with their thoughts, not by working harder.
Which isn't to say they don't sometimes work very long hours, because they do; they just don't think of it as work. Which also isn't to say that they all have cool jobs that anyone would love, because they don't; they just see every task before them, no matter where they work, as a gift to unwrap.
Not sure why but it seems that I really put off journaling. It goes along with the fact that things that are healthy for me are always put on the back burner.
Things are relatively stable at this point. I love school, though I'm still afraid that I won't do well and guilty that I'm not working full time in the first time of my life. Found a wonderful positition in policy research which will be awesome learning for my research project to start in the summer. Yes, 8 weeks stipend for research media and child abuse -- any opinions out there how media affects the way child abuse is viewed in this country -- think it has changed in the last 50 years. That is what I'm set to find out -- I'll keep you posted.
I had an amazing visit to Case Western Reserve University's sociology graduate program. They are doing some awesome work into longevitiy and longitudinal studies. One more school has made it to the short list of graduate schools to attend in a year and a half, if I get in that is.
Well, I digress. That is a great technique of mine. Talk about subjects that make it seem as if I have it all together. What a crock -- I manipulate everyone into believing I have it all together, even myself, then one day wake up in the psychiatric ward of a hospital. This time I have to figure it out. My life depends on it!
The counselor views what I'm going through as being based on the fact that I have a skewed version of myself through some type of trauma. What shaped me, was it child sexual abuse, was it parents not equipped to raise children, or something else out there looming, maybe never to be remembered. Well, dammit, that is okay. It does not really matter what shaped me, I just have to figure out what is at the root and work on getting through it.
My homework is to make a list starting with I am.....with as many things that I see myself as -- It is a big list, some of it crappy and some of it good. Well here goes, I'm going to share it -- more may be added at a later date:
I am. . . Worthless; Not good enough; Fat; Ugly because I am fat; Just Ugly; Not worth it; Depressed; Medicated; A procastinator; Sad; Very Sad; Angry; Frustrated; Tired; Crazy; Obsessed; Easily Distracted; A keeper of suicidal thoughts; Guilty; Not sexy; Alone; Hate; Not happy; Not desirable; Tears of sadness; Frantic; In debt; In crisis; Unstable; Unnecessary; Unable to cope; Disgusting; Unlovable; crappy; Not reliable; Suffocating; Suffocated; Hiding; Manipulative; Cunning; Hateful; Despicable; Spiteful; Vengeful; Resentful; Stupid; Not good enough; Deceitful; Dishonest; Manic; Drunk; An addictive personality; A runner (not exercise); A smooth talker; An angry little girl; Absent; Afraid; Unable; Not doing my best; Always trying to please; Sinful; Dirty; Regretful; In the Past; Lax in not following through; Lazy; Unfocused; Bad; Living beyond my means; Lacking; Always thinking; In the past; In the future; Stagnant; Unforgiving; Opinionated; Nasty; Out of control; Lonely; Uncommitted; Older than my years; Unhealthy
I am. . . A grandmother; A woman; A mother; A sister; A cousin; A daughter; Helpful; Empathetic; Smart; A good friend sometimes; Beautiful, occasionally, when I look in the mirror; Dutiful; Confident, in some situations; Important, according to my brother; Loved; Hopeful; Obsessed; Silly with my granddaughters; Full of laughter, rarely anymore; Truly happy, very rarely; An A student; A reader; A lover of movies; Grateful; A student; A friend; An adopted grandmother; A volunteer; A mentor; A soon-to-be social worker; A savior; Dependable at times; Enjoyable; Committed; Loving; Caring; Joyful; Fortunate; Well loved; A good typist; A good speller; On a mission for children; For equality; Educated; Passionate; An advocate; Convincing; Entertaining; Charismatic; Charming; Goofy; Happy; A mentor; A Manager; An administrator; Good; Always thinking; Now; Wondering; Forgiving; A dog owner
Well, there it is -- so far this is who I am over the past 46 years. You will notice I have put them in categories of negative and positive and yes, the negative is first because that is where I am most of the time.
This was an exhausting exercise and tomorrow I give this to my counselor and who knows what happens next. I know that I am being more honest with myself and her than I have ever been in my life. Here's to honesty and freedom to come!
Yesterday, I went to see my daughter and granddaughters whom I have not seen for almost a month. Due to school being so busy and a conscious need to let loose of the parent role I have had with the girls, I needed a break for me in which to do this.
They were so excited to see me and I had lots of treats compliments of their Mamaw, my mother. Treats aside they didn't let go of me for quite a while. In fact, the little one, Turtle, would only let me put her down in the stroller and on rides at the festival we attended. I found them the most beautiful handmade native american sweaters -- they looked so adorable in them not to mention they are warm and will last them to the winter, if it comes. Our fall has been filled with 70-80 degree weather so I'm not sure what winter will bring.
Anyway, after we got home, very late, I tucked the girls in, said goodnight and told them I would see them next week - they are going to spend the weekend doing some halloween things with me and my mother. Then it will be a while till the next visit as school is taking up 90% of my free time. Hopefully, I will be visiting University of Delaware's graduate program in November. Things are really starting to come together and I can't wait to get through my Bachelors so I can get to the meat of my learning.
Today I'm going to have a chinese dinner with a friend and go to a folk music club I've joined to listen to some great music! It should be a nice time.
For those of you who have given up on me and figured I would not be back, I hope you visit again. For those who visited and left me encouragement to get back on, I salute you.
Anyway, since March a lot of things have happened, some things good and some things awful -- but the awful stuff is teaching me I am finding out.
I learned in September that life is very fragile. After months of too many cocktails, it became necessary for the cocktails to cope and adding some medication to help anxiety was not a good mix. Suffice it to say that on September 10th after too much alcohol, I took a bottle of anti-anxiety medication and almost died. Thank the Universe for sending my daughter to my rescue. This was the lowest time in my life but it is uphill now.
One would think with all the good things in my life -- awesome grades in school, starting the Bachelor's program in the fall, my mother moving in to share expenses so I can devote full time to school without working full time. Two wonderful children and two awesome granddaughters, great friends and a host of opportunities coming about for the masters and PHd programs in the future.
Anyway, not so, I was spiraling down over the summer into a deep depression which the alcohol aggravated. My anxiety worsened and my doctor prescriped the wrong anxiety medicine as she did not have my full history. Between the alcohol and the medicine, the little voice in my head did not come to my rescue when I wanted to end it all. I've had many suicide thoughts in the past 20 years but I always answered that little voice with a bigger voice telling me I would miss my family and I didn't want to put them through that. Anyway, according to the psychiatrist -- the anxiety meds combined with the alcohol turned off the voice of reason and a bottle of pills went in my stomach. Thank God my daughter read between the lines of my text message and saved my life. She is a very intelligent young lady who I will be grateful to for the rest of my days.
Once in the hospital reality cleared and with some monitoring and addition of anti depressants, a different anxiety medicine I am able to think clearly. Eventually I would like to get off these meds but while I am recouperating I will faithfully take them.
When I got back from the hospital I started school the same week which was very stressful but I managed and now I'm enjoying all my classes and coping well, at least in the school environment. I still have personal issues to work through, issues that I've put off working on for 35-40 years. I've thought about these issues over the years but never let myself feel the pain, anquish, anxiety and unworthiness of what happened to me. This all came out in one of my classes, Child Abuse I, where we had the reading assignment of "The Courage to Heal," I realized that I have never let go of the pain of what happened to me. The professor of this class is a wonderful, compassionate and intelligent human being. His goal is to teach his students to understand how child abuse feels and to be advocates for those who cannot speak for themselves. As we went along it class it became very apparent to me that I am at a point where I have to solve the issues in my life that drop me into the horrid state of depression and anxiety that I've been dealing with for many years. The cycles are getting closer and closer together.
Now is my time to heal and speak the truth and know it is okay. Yes, I suffered from sexual abuse from a man when I was but six years old. My parents did not know and could not protect me. I felt over the years that I was unworthy and my anxiety is directly related to this incident. Once that surfaced I shared with my counselor this abuse and that I think I have to feel the pain of what happened and then start on the path to let it go. Fortunately (or coincidence), we had an assignment in my class to create a presentation of child abuse. A new friend who also is a victim of sexual abuse as a child approached me to be her partner and we would tell her story. I had been cautioned by my counselor not to tell my story yet due to the fragile state of functioning I am in. So we recreated this story in the third person and presented it to our class. It was very emotional for us but we got through it. The fact that it was someone else's story did not diminish the pain I let myself feel as we recreated this situation. At the end we both decided to thank the class for allowing us this chance for healing from our sexual abuse. Needless to say this was very powerful stuff. I felt such a release that I know I've made a huge shift in my anxiety. I even slept the entire night last night which has not happened for months and months. I know we had a wonderful impact on the other students in our class. I feel I've given them the knowledge and wisdom to know they need to advocate for all the children, whether still children or now adults, to feel the pain of their abuse and get the healing they need.
I do not want other children to go through what I have, especially waiting 40 years to deal with it. I believe I was given this blessing of almost losing my life in order to realize that when I get through my education in Social Work I will be healthier and have learned that you must feel the pain and share it so that others in pain can also find some release.
Now my task is to take care of myself, mentally and physically, finish my Bachelors, Masters and PhD and go out and make some changes!!! I'm not sure what I will be doing but it will definitely include speaking out and advocating for those who need my help.
MY MISSION IS TO SUPPORT, NUTURE, AND EDUCATE EQUALITY FOR CHILDREN!!! (this is my first draft, updates will be coming as I finalize my goals and mission).
It is a brave new world for me as I am a desirable, exciting, confident and clear woman!!!! I am unstoppable!!!
Yep, I'm back again. I promised more info and now I'm ready for that.
It has been awhile and I'm ready for an update to my last blogs in Nov and Dec.
I've gotten moved and have been settling in when I can between classes since November. My daughter and granddaughters, Beetle (5) and Turtle (15 mo.), have gotten moved about two hours away. It is very hard, especially for Beetle and me but we are coping. I pick them up on Friday evenings, we meet 1/2 way and they get to stay till Sunday afternoon! It's better than nothing though it is not the same of living with them. I feel like my heart has been shredded and torn apart.
But it is not the end of the world and my world has definitely opened up. Just a couple of weeks ago I was recruited for the McNair Scholars Program -- it looks like I'm going to get my PhD, not just the Masters. It seems as if my grades, my lack of income, parents with no high school diploma and my social welfare interest is coming in to play here. They want me. This program will guide and help me financially in my bachelor's program. They will take me to colleges with the Masters and PhD interests I have, and they will stipend me in a research project with a Faculty mentor next summer. They will also pay for all my application and testing fees. I've been assured that once I publish my research and speak on my research, can you believe me speaking in front of a thousand people, that the Masters and PhD programs will be recruiting me! It is unbelievable. I guess I just don't accept how smart and able I am. Anyway, the advisor of this program told me about a PhD program of Policies and Procedures that would go right along with my Masters in Social Work. Can you imagine me doing research on policies and procedures that would help all the children in our country?
I talked to my sociology professor about being my faculty mentor, which she was so enthusiastic over and not only would I present my research to the McNair Scholars Program Annual Conference but I would also present at her annual conference. She even told me she could see me as a great lobbyist! Wow! I have this little tiny part of me that thinks I could change how the world treats their children and maybe I'll get the chance! Can you tell I'm excited???
The down side is I feel like I'm letting my grandchildren down, especially Beetle. We are so bonded, she wants to live w/me all the time instead of mommy and I would love her all the time, believe me. I want to be there for her all the time but I want to help all the children who have no one. I believe my idea of helping children through social work is just a small part of what I can do if I can be a part of shaping future policies of the country. Wow! I've got another meeting scheduled with the Professor of this program to discuss what Bachelor's Program I should do. There are so many options it is very overwhelming right now.
I am a believer that things happen for a reason and I feel I'm going through this turmoil with my daughter and granddaughters because of my passion. I want to help all the abused children in this world and have put that out into the universe. Now my possibilities are opening up to that. I never even considered a PhD when I started this process and now it looks like the PhD could spear head me into a place where I could be implemental in law formation for children! Wow! I can't believe I just wrote that.
I'm feeling so positive yet so scared that I could actually pull this off. Lots of things to think about. Will write again soon.
I know, I know, I'm the worst blogger in the blog arena. I never let anyone know what is going on and I'm just coming on for a brief entry tonight.
Too much is going on right now and that is the truth. If it wasn't for the support of my library lady, my german friend at work, and a few others I will name at a later date, I probably would be under a rock right now.
Anyway, things are plugging along and there is some great stuff looming ahead and to loom ahead means to let go of what is behind and I'm working hard at it. A great friend in Northern Michigan, my MSW mentor, is helping me on this path. Counseling by phone is challenging but the price is right and she knows what to say and when to say it.
More later, just wanted you to now I'm not dead. Love you all in blog land.
Hope things are well for all out in Blog land and beyond.Things seems to be smoothing out a bit here in Ohio.I致e my last final today as well as an English Composition conference, I always feel like a third grader at those.
Anyway, I知 all settled in at my new place and my granddaughters and I have checked out the private cinema a couple of times already.Beetle, the five year old is enthralled with the treadmill as well.That is encouraging for me since I know she値l be an inspiration.They have a very nice and up-to-date fitness center with televisions for distraction and an elipitical with my name on it.By the first of the year I am planning to make arrangements with a personal trainer to keep me motivated.
My daughter痴 looking before she leaps may have some impact on me.It doesn稚 look like she is getting the tax refund she was hoping for and she has some major financial commitments to me that may not come through as planned.As usual, I値l be on the edge financially for a while if her finances do not pan out.
Believe it or not, I am enjoying being on my own a bit.Right now the girls get dropped off in the morning and I get them and myself ready for school and daycare so I still get to see them every day until they move then it will be just weekends.I知 glad I decided to rent a place with a community center and activities because I知 hoping that will help me be more social and not hibernate as I tend to do.
I visited my friends at Life Success Seminars on Sunday at celebration.I missed my buddy, Chrysalis, he had to leave early I guess but I had a great time with a friend that I sponsored and touched based with others I have not seen in a while.I guess I知 going to have to drive up north to see Chrysalis.When I go visit my son, I may pop in on him on the way up.
Well, it is almost time for the children to arrive so I値l see you later.
Too many things and so little time. This is an overdue blog but it is going to have to be a condensed one.
Number one, I can't wait to see Chrysalis on 12/3/06 -- I'm so happily ecstatic!
Number two, yes, I have moved again and sad to say, my granddaughters and my daughter did not come with me. A few weeks ago, my daughter decided to give her notice at her job without any prospects and has decided to move her and the girls to Chillocothe, Ohio, to be nearer to her friends and Beetle and Turtle's father.
One part of me wanted to protest, the last two years have had their ups and downs but things were stable for them and for me, which is the case in point I guess. Anyway, she gave up an almost $40,000 a year job as of February 2007, I'm sure she won't make it that long, and is frantically searching for another job in a very poor area of Ohio. My fingers are double crossed.
I initially thought this was the most terrible thing but I finally got my crap together and told her, Chrysalis and library woman, you will appreciate this!! (hehe) Anyway, I said to her, I love you, I trust you, even though I don't understand you!!!!!!!! Where did that come from I wonder, shock and dismay LOL LOL
Then what happens, I actually find a wonderful apartment complex, complete with a private cinema in the clubhouse and an exotic work out room and I get pro rated rent until 1/1/07 - can't beat that deal. I moved this past Sunday and low and behold the granddaughters are doing well! I'm going to miss them like hell but I've got to let my daughter live her life. Part of me knows she won't let herself be the mom I know she can be but she will provide for those children and not let them suffer. I've had to let go of the part of me that wanted to be their mother or maybe the part of me that could be close to my daughter through her daughters. I'm still working that one out.
Anyway, I'm feeling very selfish now because I'm feeling so content. I'm supposed to be caring for others instead of myself but I can be happy caring for me instead of others, go figure! I'm very confused on this subject right now but I'm enjoying the place I'm in.
[BASICS] Height? 5'5" Weight? No one's business but mine LOL Weight today, not 10 years ago? Mortgage interest rate / term? Renting :( Lost my last mortgage to a bankruptcy due an underground fuel tank -- only in Michigan) No. of surgery scars? 3
[EITHER / OR ...] Bifocals or trifocals? No, but it is coming Butter pecan or pralines & cream? Neither Carnival or Holland America? What?? Tylenol or Advil? Tylenol mostly Buick or Mercury? Buick BTO or Styx? Styx Hawaiian shirts or mu-mu's? Hawaiian shirts -- love those things!!! Stocks or money market? money market Statins or herbals? herbals I guess, not sure what a statin is Denny's or Perkin's? Perkin's Cabernet or Merlot? Merlot, white merlot that is :)
[DO YOU ...] Still smoke Chesterfields? Never smoked cigarettes :) Have an overflow medicine cabinet? for a while I did, got it down to two now :) Shop for clothes at Sears? no, I go online so I don't have to face the changing room :) Have a favorite laxative? no, but used prunes during pregnancy oh so many years ago LOL Have a retirement plan? no, starting over again LOL Have a home equity loan? no
[LAST PERSON YOU ...] Sent a letter to (in an envelope!)? a good friend, Jewel Stevens Bought life insurance from? so long ago, can't remember -- have life ins thru work Recognized on the street (but who didn't recognize you)? can't remember
[LOVE LIFE] Remember what those words mean? Vaguely Remember the last time you had one? No, too hard too remember
[HAVE YOU EVER ...] Trimmed your ear hair? no, is that a man question Fallen asleep in the office? yes Skipped a dose of meds for the thrill? no, just didn't remember hehe Raided your retirement savings? yep, to buy that last house LOL Kept a secret simply because you forgot it? probably many times Heard a polka and thought, "Hey, that's not so bad"? Hey! I love polka!!!!!
