Not sure why but it seems that I really put off journaling.  It goes along with the fact that things that are healthy for me are always put on the back burner.

Things are relatively stable at this point.  I love school, though I'm still afraid that I won't do well and guilty that I'm not working full time in the first time of my life.  Found a wonderful positition in policy research which will be awesome learning for my research project to start in the summer.  Yes, 8 weeks stipend for research media and child abuse -- any opinions out there how media affects the way child abuse is viewed in this country -- think it has changed in the last 50 years.  That is what I'm set to find out -- I'll keep you posted.

I had an amazing visit to Case Western Reserve University's sociology graduate program.  They are doing some awesome work into longevitiy and longitudinal studies.  One more school has made it to the short list of graduate schools to attend in a year and a half, if I get in that is.

Well, I digress. That is a great technique of mine.  Talk about subjects that make it seem as if I have it all together.  What a crock -- I manipulate everyone into believing I have it all together, even myself, then one day wake up in the psychiatric ward of a hospital.  This time I have to figure it out.  My life depends on it!

The counselor views what I'm going through as being based on the fact that I have a skewed version of myself through some type of trauma.  What shaped me, was it child sexual abuse, was it parents not equipped to raise children, or something else out there looming, maybe never to be remembered.  Well, dammit, that is okay.  It does not really matter what shaped me, I just have to figure out what is at the root and work on getting through it.

My homework is to make a list starting with I am.....with as many things that I see myself as -- It is a big list, some of it crappy and some of it good.  Well here goes, I'm going to share it -- more may be added at a later date:

I am. . . Worthless; Not good enough; Fat; Ugly because I am fat; Just Ugly; Not worth it; Depressed; Medicated; A procastinator; Sad; Very Sad; Angry; Frustrated; Tired; Crazy; Obsessed; Easily Distracted; A keeper of suicidal thoughts; Guilty; Not sexy; Alone; Hate; Not happy; Not desirable; Tears of sadness; Frantic; In debt; In crisis; Unstable; Unnecessary; Unable to cope; Disgusting; Unlovable; crappy; Not reliable; Suffocating; Suffocated; Hiding; Manipulative; Cunning; Hateful; Despicable; Spiteful; Vengeful; Resentful; Stupid; Not good enough; Deceitful; Dishonest; Manic; Drunk; An addictive personality; A runner (not exercise); A smooth talker; An angry little girl; Absent; Afraid; Unable; Not doing my best; Always trying to please; Sinful; Dirty; Regretful; In the Past; Lax in not following through; Lazy; Unfocused; Bad; Living beyond my means; Lacking; Always thinking; In the past; In the future; Stagnant; Unforgiving; Opinionated; Nasty; Out of control; Lonely; Uncommitted; Older than my years; Unhealthy

I am. . . A grandmother; A woman; A mother; A sister; A cousin; A daughter; Helpful; Empathetic; Smart; A good friend sometimes; Beautiful, occasionally, when I look in the mirror; Dutiful; Confident, in some situations; Important, according to my brother; Loved; Hopeful; Obsessed; Silly with my granddaughters; Full of laughter, rarely anymore; Truly happy, very rarely; An A student; A reader; A lover of movies; Grateful; A student; A friend; An adopted grandmother; A volunteer; A mentor; A soon-to-be social worker; A savior; Dependable at times; Enjoyable; Committed; Loving; Caring; Joyful; Fortunate; Well loved; A good typist; A good speller; On a mission for children; For equality; Educated; Passionate; An advocate; Convincing; Entertaining; Charismatic; Charming; Goofy; Happy; A mentor; A Manager; An administrator; Good; Always thinking; Now; Wondering; Forgiving; A dog owner

Well, there it is -- so far this is who I am over the past 46 years.  You will notice I have put them in categories of negative and positive and yes, the negative is first because that is where I am most of the time. 

This was an exhausting exercise and tomorrow I give this to my counselor and who knows what happens next.  I know that I am being more honest with myself and her than I have ever been in my life.  Here's to honesty and freedom to come!

Next time.......