For those of you who have given up on me and figured I would not be back, I hope you visit again.  For those who visited and left me encouragement to get back on, I salute you.

Anyway, since March a lot of things have happened, some things good and some things awful -- but the awful stuff is teaching me I am finding out.

I learned in September that life is very fragile.  After months of too many cocktails, it became necessary for the cocktails to cope and adding some medication to help anxiety was not a good mix.  Suffice it to say that on September 10th after too much alcohol, I took a bottle of anti-anxiety medication and almost died.  Thank the Universe for sending my daughter to my rescue.  This was the lowest time in my life but it is uphill now. 

One would think with all the good things in my life -- awesome grades in school, starting the Bachelor's program in the fall, my mother moving in to share expenses so I can devote full time to school without working full time.  Two wonderful children and two awesome granddaughters, great friends and a host of opportunities coming about for the masters and PHd programs in the future.

Anyway, not so, I was spiraling down over the summer into a deep depression which the alcohol aggravated.  My anxiety worsened and my doctor prescriped the wrong anxiety medicine as she did not have my full history.  Between the alcohol and the medicine, the little voice in my head did not come to my rescue when I wanted to end it all.  I've had many suicide thoughts in the past 20 years but I always answered that little voice with a bigger voice telling me I would miss my family and I didn't want to put them through that.  Anyway, according to the psychiatrist -- the anxiety meds combined with the alcohol turned off the voice of reason and a bottle of pills went in my stomach.  Thank God my daughter read between the lines of my text message and saved my life.  She is a very intelligent young lady who I will be grateful to for the rest of my days.

Once in the hospital reality cleared and with some monitoring and addition of anti depressants, a different anxiety medicine I am able to think clearly.  Eventually I would like to get off these meds but while I am recouperating I will faithfully take them.

When I got back from the hospital I started school the same week which was very stressful but I managed and now I'm enjoying all my classes and coping well, at least in the school environment.  I still have personal issues to work through, issues that I've put off working on for 35-40 years.  I've thought about these issues over the years but never let myself feel the pain, anquish, anxiety and unworthiness of what happened to me.  This all came out in one of my classes, Child Abuse I, where we had the reading assignment of "The Courage to Heal,"  I realized that I have never let go of the pain of what happened to me.  The professor of this class is a wonderful, compassionate and intelligent human being.  His goal is to teach his students to understand how child abuse feels and to be advocates for those who cannot speak for themselves.  As we went along it class it became very apparent to me that I am at a point where I have to solve the issues in my life that drop me into the horrid state of depression and anxiety that I've been dealing with for many years.  The cycles are getting closer and closer together. 

Now is my time to heal and speak the truth and know it is okay.  Yes, I suffered from sexual abuse from a man when I was but six years old.  My parents did not know and could not protect me.  I felt over the years that I was unworthy and my anxiety is directly related to this incident.  Once that surfaced I shared with my counselor this abuse and that I think I have to feel the pain of what happened and then start on the path to let it go.  Fortunately (or coincidence), we had an assignment in my class to create a presentation of child abuse.  A new friend who also is a victim of sexual abuse as a child approached me to be her partner and we would tell her story.  I had been cautioned by my counselor not to tell my story yet due to the fragile state of functioning I am in.  So we recreated this story in the third person and presented it to our class.  It was very emotional for us but we got through it.  The fact that it was someone else's story did not diminish the pain I let myself feel as we recreated this situation.  At the end we both decided to thank the class for allowing us this chance for healing from our sexual abuse.  Needless to say this was very powerful stuff.  I felt such a release that I know I've made a huge shift in my anxiety.  I even slept the entire night last night which has not happened for months and months.  I know we had a wonderful impact on the other students in our class.  I feel I've given them the knowledge and wisdom to know they need to advocate for all the children, whether still children or now adults, to feel the pain of their abuse and get the healing they need.

I do not want other children to go through what I have, especially waiting 40 years to deal with it.  I believe I was given this blessing of almost losing my life in order to realize that when I get through my education in Social Work I will be healthier and have learned that you must feel the pain and share it so that others in pain can also find some release.

Now my task is to take care of myself, mentally and physically, finish my Bachelors, Masters and PhD and go out and make some changes!!!  I'm not sure what I will be doing but it will definitely include speaking out and advocating for those who need my help.

MY MISSION IS TO SUPPORT, NUTURE, AND EDUCATE EQUALITY FOR CHILDREN!!! (this is my first draft, updates will be coming as I finalize my goals and mission).

It is a brave new world for me as I am a desirable, exciting, confident and clear woman!!!!  I am unstoppable!!!